Dear Soren & Joseph,

My hands and my heart are very full. Watching the two of you together has been my greatest joy. This is not to diminish the joy I’ve felt being your daddy’s wife, but, you see, your lives are an extension of that very joy. What a month it’s been since you entered the world Joseph!

Soren, I’m amazed at how naturally you’ve taken on the role as big sister. You are so tender and affectionate. You speak in a high voice saying “it’s okay baby Joseph” at every cry and are quick to get Joseph’s binky, throw away diapers, help me hang and fold clothes, and, in general, just enjoy your little brother. Within moments of coming home, you suddenly seemed bigger and older with my having been made aware again of just how small a new baby is. I have to admit there is some grief in this awareness that time is flying and my baby-Soren is now little-girl-Soren. Coupled with that though is the reality that every season keeps getting better and I enjoy you so immensely.

Joseph, you are a sweet little man and it is with delight that I savor your lovable noises, expressions, and the rolls on your soft skin. So much of my day is spent nursing you, kissing you, holding your tiny feet, and pressing your cheek to mine. I think about my own mother and grown brother and it grieves me to think that there will ever be a day where I could be in the same room with you and have to withhold this kind of affection because you’re an adult. I try my best to relish the moment now and not let that overwhelming fear permeate these days.

These have been the richest days of my life and these have also been days that I’ve had to truly depend on your daddy and on the grace of God. While I want you to know the thrill and deep happiness I’ve had in these days, I also want you to know some of the more difficult moments that lie beside them so that when you enter this season yourself, you know that if you feel there are hard moments, they will never diminish the love you have for your family. I want you to know, with my deep love for you being evidence, that wonderful and tiring moments can co-exist. It seems odd to me that God would allow the first days after a baby is born to be spent sleep-deprived, hormonally-shifting, and question-ridden. It seems like I often wish that I was caught up on rest and my body and emotions were leveled out as to best enjoy these times. I have in my mind that if I really was enjoying you both, I wouldn’t feel like any moments were exhausting. But, is it possible that God would be teaching me in these moments about the complexity of each life He’s created? Perhaps if I had everything figured out, I wouldn’t depend on Him or on the community around me to figure parenthood – and life – out. While I say that I wish this time would slow down so that I could savor the short newborn stage, what better way to do so than to be awakened in the middle of the night in my most fatigued state as the rest of the world sleeps so that I may spend quiet slow-moving moments nursing my infant?

Perhaps God knows best and will continue to give me glimpses of His grace as I trust Him. Perhaps instead of feeling guilt-ridden when I feel that a moment is difficult, I could open my mind and heart to the possibility that therein lies part of God's design - relying on Him, on my husband, on my community. Perhaps, parenthood requires so much vulnerability that without these tension-filled thoughts and emotions, I would miss part of the gift. I want you to know that if you wonder these things someday, it's okay. And it's okay not because everybody else feels them, but because, I believe, it's God's way of teaching you early on in the life of your children that you need Him.